LESSONS FROM THE FRONT (of the Stage)
I have been to a lot of concerts and music festivals. Enough that I strategically stand in the same location relative to the sound wall to localize cumulative hearing loss in one ear.[1] Enough to be able to snake to the front of any venue (except when faced with 100,000 Eminem “Stans” at Lollapalooza Chicago). Enough to have developed a life philosophy or two based on my concert going experiences. For an undersized person with an oversized ‘personal bubble’, festivals require a highly tuned balance of expectation management (expect to get covered in other people’s sweat/beer/…hair?) and self-preservation best practices. Whether you are surrounded by girls in flower crowns & crocheted bikini tops, bros in dolphin print yacht wear, or head bangers in sleeveless metal Ts, the challenges of crowd management and enjoyment maximization at concerts are consistent.
Critical to a successful concert experience is the establishment of a strong foothold. As with any real estate-based venture: location is key. Proximity to the stage is only one part of the equation. Other key considerations include easy egress (read: ‘escape route’) and distance from known gong-shows, such as the center/center mosh pit, or anyone with a giant pole with a teddy bear on top (millennial-gang homing beacon). Next step is to establish a firm, but flexible foundation and perimeter. This involves a strong, defendable base – ground cleared of debris (beer cans), feet dug in three feet apart, knees locked, pointy elbows at the ready. Critically, like in an Ultimate Fighting ring, this strong base must also be nimble. Be ready to fill gaps that release around you, least it be taken up by a wall of 6’4” protein shake reps, Shrieker Girls who drown out even 100-foot-high speakers, couples with unignorable PDA, or videographers who watch the entirety of the concert through the lens of their cell phone. Even then, as with life, no amount of careful planning and artful execution can forestall every potential pitfall. Invariably hazards will come at you from all sides.
Watch out for hazards from above! You go to enough concerts you will occasionally be the centre of the action - good and bad. Sometimes you are right where the lead singer walks out into the crowd, but sometimes you are in the one spot where the beach ball bounces a million times. Unless you are there for a game of volleyball, when you find yourself in a concert Bermuda triangle the practical recourse is to simply ignore the ball and let it occasionally bounce off your head. The problem is that if there are balls flying around, there will be people coming down on you next. As a short person, crowd surfers pose a uniquely problematic challenge. Since I can’t reach to pass them up, they not infrequently fall right at my feet. Which isn’t all bad because they are so elated with the success of their journey and new position, that they often make great concert neighbours.
Watch out for hazards from below! Just when you think a big open space has magically appeared in an ideal viewing position: look again. Fair chance that airspace is created by a couple of Baby Boomers resolutely sitting in their festival chairs refusing to budge from the same seating location they first took possession of in the 1960s. Given that they can’t see a thing from down there, the few - but always present – hold outs in the sitters-versus-standers war are basically engaged in protest performance art. There is no winning this battle, and best to relocate yourself elsewhere.
Watch out for hazards around your perimeter! You will encounter people who are oblivious to the existence of everyone around them. Most annoying (mainly because it’s so patently futile) are the “I Am Here!” people who face away from the stage and frantically wave their flashlight mode phones (in your face) to try to signal their friends. The most egregious are the "Shoulder Girls” who spend the entire concert sitting on their boyfriend’s shoulders doing cute duck faces so that they get on the jumbotron.[2] The most disturbing are the “Envelopers” who have only fleeting awareness of where their bodies stop, and everyone else’s begin. I have been enveloped by the many a sweaty midriff (usually unclothed), armpit (usually unshaven), and repeated hair flip cascades and ponytail face slaps.
For all the ball bonks, feet in face, pissy Boomers, and face full of (armpit) hair, its still awesome. It’s all part of the fun. Certainly, I would advise to try to be conscientious about how your actions impact others. As I noted in Unsolicited Parental Advice best to take a pass on willful cluelessness. But don’t let all the obstacles and challenges undermine your enjoyment. Roll with it.
Heck, crowd surf it like a rockstar. But only metaphorically, knowing that you might get dropped.
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[1] Motherly advice: everyone should be wearing noise protection high fidelity earplugs at concerts.
[2] I will admit to the possibility that I am just jealous of the Shoulder Girls, who are, without exception under a 100lbs (by necessity), look great on the jumbotron (and know it), and have very accommodating boyfriends (usually protein shake reps, also by necessity).