UNSOLICITED PARENTING ADVICE
I am terrible at taking advice, suggestions, or criticism (just ask…well, anyone). And all I think when I look at the 100 aisles of parenting books at the bookstore is “what made the authors so great as parents? Their children could be axe murderers…or A—holes. I don’t need advice on giving advice.” (see the first sentence of this paragraph)
With or without “expert” guidance, as a parent, especially a parent of teenagers, giving the occasional gem of sage wisdom is part of the gig. Even – especially? – when it isn’t being asked of you. Also, when you spend approximately 10,000 hours a week carpooling your children, it is virtually impossible not to pipe in with your two bits now and again – if only to cut the boredom. [1]
Below are a few of the recurring deep thoughts that were handed out in an attempt to see our children successfully into adulthood. Having achieved that goal, I added in updates to apply to their current existence as young adults (and to myself, as an old adult).
At this point, they have long since outstripped me in maturity, so this is really an exercise in me entertaining myself. [2]
Top ten pieces of unsolicited Moma advice to survive into adulthood [Update: and beyond]:
1. Do the Dumb Stuff: You are going to do a bunch of dumb stuff as a teenager. It’s called being a teenager. As a parent I am not allowed to officially condone you doing idiotic teenage stuff – but, I will say that I think it would be sad for you if you didn’t do any. Not only would it mean you were holed up in your basement or something, but it would also deprive you of an important learning process. You will make bad decisions - but only then can you learn how to make better decisions. Go learn, knowing that the safety net is ready to catch you when you fall.
[Update: you should probably stop doing dumb stuff now. But as I noted in Beta Baby, you will still make lots of mistakes, it’s all part of growing (up).]
2. Play Safe: Don’t do any teenage antics without having someone with you who has your back. Likewise, keep an eye out for your friends. Things can go wrong. Factor the possibility in. Side note: almost any activity being contemplated after 1am is a bad idea. 90% of the Wish-I-Hadn’t moments of your life will happen in the early am. Know when to just call it a night.
[Update: the buddy system remains a tried-and-true best practice approach to life’s adventures and challenges, no matter your age. As does the art of knowing when to get yourself home.]
3. You Do You: You may sometimes feel like you are not good enough, or that everyone around you is better/smarter/more attractive/more fun/more successful…just frickin’ MORE. Sometimes it seems impossible to keep up with the world’s expectations and/or your expectations for yourself. You are work in progress. Be kind to yourself. There isn’t some mythical ideal you are meant to be or achieve. You are amazing and you’ve totally ‘got this’ – whatever “this” is today. Don’t do perfect - do YOU. Your version of you. Which way more interesting, anyways.
[Update: I struggle with this every day. We humans never stop being works in progress.]
4. Don’t Eat Blue Things: Unless its cheese. Respect your physical self. Be mindful about what you feed it. You will consume any manner of food & drink (& drugs) - or at least contemplate it. Before you put something in your body - ask yourself “what’s in this"?”, “who made it?”, “where did it come from?”, “how will it affect me?” If you don’t know the answer to those questions, maybe take a pass. It’s at best garbage food (your body deserves better) and at worst the equivalent of poison. Side note: no dealer (this arguably include makers of mass-produced junk food) has your best interests in mind – they want recurring revenue (just like every other business).
[Update: You may have to cross blue cheese off the list too. Apparently, as you get older the list of things your body no longer enjoys will grow exponentially. Listen to your body - it's communicating what it needs from you as it's caretaker.]
5. Put Your Hand Up: Participate in life. Even if you have a close circuit comfort zone, opportunities to try new things, meet new people, go new places, exist all around you. Put your skin in the game. Some things won’t be for you. That’s okay. It about trying things on for size to discover what you like or where you belong.
[Update: this continues to apply throughout life as you evolve as a person. There is no downside to engaging in life, unless it is a bar fight…in which case disengage.]
6. Keep on Keeping On: Life can be hard - its going to throw s—tty stuff at you. It’s okay to let yourself feel sorry for yourself and wallow for minute in “it’s not fair”. If its solvable, shake yourself off and let’s figure out how to improve, avoid, or make the most out of a bad situation. If it’s something you are going to have to live with, pick yourself up and let’s figure out how live the life you want with whatever new WTF thing got added to the equation. But keep moving forward, upward, onward. Keep on Keeping On.
[Update: Don’t forget to show yourself compassion. Likewise, for those around you – everyone has challenges. We are all just doing the best we can at any given moment. Sometimes our best might be not that great. That’s okay.]
7. Feed Your Friendships: Friendships, even with lifelong friends, soul mate friends, true love friends, life partners, siblings, parents, pets … every friendship needs feeding. They require constant doses of communication, appreciation, commitment. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes your friendships will falter, sometimes they will thrive. But they will always need your care and attention. And they will always be worth it.
[Update: Another thing that never stops being true. Remember: there is never a bad time to let your friends know you love and appreciate them.]
8. Ask for Help: You are strong. You might not think so all the time, but you are. And when you don’t have the strength to manage what life is throwing at you: your friends do, and your family does, and other people who are happy to help do. Sometimes we are like those people who interlink their arms so that they can catch people jumping from a burning building. I sincerely hope you are never in an actual, or metaphorical, burning building, but if you are – it’s okay to rely on other people’s strength when yours is sapped. You are strong, but no one is strong all the time.
[Update: adults are worse at asking for help, in my experience, but need it just as much.]
9. Speak Up: For yourself and for others. The ability to self-advocate, is an important skill. Do not hesitate to speak up for yourself, and to advocate for what you believe or need (assuming it is not at the expense of anyone else). If you find yourself in a position where you can speak on behalf of those less fortunate, do so. Your voice matters, it can inspire, it can create change – for yourself, those you care about, those less fortunate, your community, the planet. It is a superpower we all possess, but most never fully employ.
[Update: I am in awe of your generation and the ripple effect your combined voice has had on climate action and equal rights, among others. There is hope for humankind yet! (I hope)]
10. Use the Sidewalk: Teenagers always walk in a clump down the middle of the road. Please don’t do that. It’s annoying. Also, wear your bike helmet. I beg you. Please.
[Update: now that you are drivers yourself, you realize how annoying teenaged pedestrians can be. But the advice still stands – just sub-in any act of willful cluelessness. Also, again…wear your bike helmet. Why won’t you wear your bike helmet?]
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[1] Carpool time warp math. I used to calculate the total number of hours spent in a day ferrying my children to school, practice, lessons, playdates, appointments, etc., and think “I could be in Paris right now.”
My license plate for my oversized carpool vehicle starts with CCFH – which I can remember because in my brain it’s an acronym for “Child Carrier for Hire”
[2] Just like all the HilaWithUs Stories, actually.